Relax and Enjoy the Moment

It has been quite a while since my last post. In the interim I have traveled to the Middle East, returned to a boyfriend I was missing immensely and just overall enjoyed life. 

Recently I was talking with a friend who is in the first stages of a relationship {those anxiety ridden days are hopefully behind me :)}. She was expressing her fears and confusion and desire to know where it was going.

My response? Just relax about it and enjoy the moment. I really tried to employ this philosophy this year and with this relationship. And you know what? It really is great advise and it has helped tremendously I think in moving my relationship along. I discovered a sense of understanding about myself and my abilities to cope with new situations and quickly progressing emotions that I haven't had before. Even if it doesn't work out with this relationship, I think relaxing and enjoying the moments I do have with this amazing guy is rewarding.

We can't control the future. We can't control the person we are interested in. Heck, we can't even control our own emotions at times... So why make it harder? Relationships are exciting and fun and even the hard times should be taken in stride. We all have them. But I think the key is to find that place of balance {"serenity now" -lol} and go with it.

Sweet Exhaustion

One of my sisters told me to abandon this blog…I felt that it was premature, and still do. Problem with keeping it though is that I don’t have a lot to contribute right now. Part of that is due to the exhaustion I am feeling from working full time and hanging out full time in the evenings with my ‘friend’ ;).

If I have anything to write, it is this…caffeine is my best friend and it is fun to be with someone who wants to be with me so much that he is willing to forego sleep and feel the unpleasantness of sleep deprivation with me. I have had relationships where a sleep schedule was far more important than being with me and at the time I thought that was okay since we all need sleep. Right?  But I have to admit that I love the fact that someone wants to be with me so much that he is figuring out how to make it work on very little sleep. Of course we pull back occasionally and try to end nights reasonably early so that neither of us really mess up at work. We try and utilize those moments (and weekend naps) so that we can make it work.

Life is a state of exhausted sweetness right now. I have no complaints.

Follow-up on my 'problem'

The solution to my problem of staying too much in my head? I just tried really hard to not think about it. Every time I would get in that mode of analyzing everything and thinking about everything, I would consciously try to stop it. And you know what? It worked. Or I should say, it is working. I still have moments where I can hear the gears start warming up and the battle field starts rumbling in my head, but I am dealing with it and trying to live in the moment. 

Living in the moment is so much sweeter than living in my head :)

{Sigh}.

Genuinely Happy

Several years ago one of my sisters told me that I need to look for a guy that makes me genuinely happy and that isn't afraid to show his affection for me {she used the term "can't keep his hands off you" -but my parents read this blog so it felt uncouth to write that ;)}. 

I thought I had experienced this kind of guy. I thought I had been really happy in past relationships. But here's the thing. I know each time I started dating a guy and I would ask myself if I was genuinely happy, there was almost always a pause to figure out if I was. Not a good sign in hindsight. The answer should be an automatic and enthusiastic YES!!!! If it isn't then maybe there is something missing. 

It is so difficult to know what is working and what isn't working in a relationship. It is scary to end things that appear to be working -not fabulously but well enough. I know, I've been there. But settling for just happy instead of genuinely happy shouldn't be on the list of things you will settle for. At least I don't think so.

I can say that looking back, I lacked this enthusiastic response. I couldn't say I was genuinely happy with any guy. Happy yes, but happy with a bit of hesitation. 

I'm so glad to say that my response to the question of whether I am genuinely happy today is YES YES YES! And it feels so great to finally know what my sister was telling me to look for.  :)

I. have. a problem.

I have a problem of keeping my head out of relationships. This is one reason why I have been trying so incredibly hard to just live in the now and be present; to not forecast or over analyze. That is so freaking hard to do sometimes though! Ugh!

I've been doing so well lately on this. But some switch turned on the other day and now all hell has broken loose in my head. I’m not sure how to turn off my brain either now that it has gone into what I can only categorize as "crisis mode." It foresees the loss of complete control and it is doing all it can to not allow that to happen. And what is really dumb is that I see this happening and don't want it to happen {right?} but feel at a loss as to how to stop it or control it.

Yes, this duality in me is really obnoxious and disconcerting. I really thought I had control of it but clearly I don’t because I AM FREAKING OUT!!! {inside that is –on the outside I’m calm and collected}.

I need help. I need tips and suggestions. Oh and "just stop doing it" isn’t working. You gotta come up with something better. After all, my brain has launched a full blown assault on my emotions. It's heard all the stuff before and I think I need new material to launch my own surprise attack ;)

Cheese Ball

I like to consider myself as a fairly level headed person. I am a working professional and because work takes up most of my days, I try to come across as professional. However {and let me add that in my case it is a big however}, I have a really nerdy, cheesy, call it what you will, side. A side that is a bit contrary to the day to day side I present to the world.

I have an admittedly odd sense of humor, I tend to bust out in {uncoordinated} dance or song in stores, my house, and especially in the car (car dancing is an experience I tend to share mostly with my youngest sister), I am not the most coordinated and I am what many in my family call, a dork. Guilty.

I would like to say I’m admittedly a dork and don’t care who knows, but that is wholly untrue. In the past I have held back this side of me because I didn’t think a guy would find me as appealing if he knew what a huge nerd/dork/cheese ball/whatever, I really am. I can honestly say that maybe only 1 serious boyfriend in the past has seen this side of me. Maybe. {Yes, that is a horrible fact but one I am facing head on today}. And I should add, look where it has gotten me.

I don’t think I am alone in that I hold back the seemingly less glamorous sides of myself. But how strong can the relationship possibly be if I am not being true to my dorky/cheesy self? And whose to say those "less glamorous" sides of myself aren't the ones that he thinks are the best and cutest parts of me. I think it would be amazing, and a bit ground breaking in my case, to find someone who helps me relax from the start. A guy with whom I can feel so at ease that I am not only not afraid to show this side of me, but with whom I want to show it to and share it with.

I’m truly looking forward to that day when I can find that Mr. Future Someone who not only helps me break out of my shell, but loves me for me –all the dorky/cheesy parts included.

Finding Balance

This morning I started thinking about this blog. I don't want it to turn into a love fest blog about my current very happy relationship. There is a lot I still think about and maybe need to work through via this medium. So I'm going to keep it up, with hopefully only a little cheesiness intertwined into the posts.

A couple of months ago I wrote this note to myself: "Find Balance". I found it the other day and honestly cannot remember what prompted the note, but after thinking about it, I think it is great advice to myself. Who doesn't need a little more balance after all?

As a single girl I have had to find self worth and value in being single and in being alone. That isn't always easy, especially since I belong to a church that emphasizes family so much. But that comfort level with ones self is important, no matter what stage of life we find ourselves at. Being totally at ease with living life, such as preparing a dinner by myself and just enjoying the silence that 'singlehood' brings, is important in my  mind.

But with everything, there is a necessary level of balance involved. Here I am. I have my own place, I have my things, I know who made the mess, who is responsible, where I can find total quiet if I want to... I have my routine and I am actually happy with it and find comfort in the life I have established.

I think ultimately the note to myself to find balance just means that I have to remember that in all things there is a little give and take. I have to be open to allowing someone to intrude on my 'routine' and into my solace. I'm comfortable with being single. Now I have to make sure I can allow myself to be comfortable being with someone else. After all, just me is fine, but me with someone else...well that could be amazing! Right?