Better to Have Loved...

I used to think that the author of the phrase “tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all” was full of it. I’ve lost love and it hurts and sucks and wreaks physical and emotional havoc on me. But last night I changed my mind. I’ve decided I am so lucky to have felt love and to have been loved, especially by some ridiculously amazing guys.

I recently moved and as a result of the move, I brought several books, journals and scrapbooks out of storage. I have slowly been going through them and reminiscing. Last night I pulled out a journal I began in 1996. It briefly described my excitement at being in love for the first time with a great guy. However, the majority of the journal is dedicated to a former boyfriend named Chris Parker. I was head over heels in love with the guy. I wrote about getting butterflies over my whole body when he would smile at me or hold my hand; how he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met; and most importantly, how he was my absolute best friend. I trusted him whole heartedly.

Ours was a rocky relationship due to religious differences, but we were madly in love and wanted it to work out. When it didn’t, I took to my journal to pen ‘drafts’ of letters to him. Many made it to him, but I think most were just an opportunity for me to pour out my heart and try and get over the loss of him in my life. It took me nearly 3 years to allow myself to fall in love again. He was amazing.

I bring this up because as I was reading one letter, I was struck with the poignancy of its application to my life today as it relates to Chris. I wrote how I couldn’t imagine a life without hearing his voice or seeing his quirky little smile. How I would drive by his old apartment and emotions would flood over me; how I couldn’t see a future with no Chris in my life. I wrote about his influence on me and how he helped me grow into a stronger woman and a more confident woman. I wrote about how thankful I was to have had those years with him and how I would never forget them or him. Over and over I wrote how sad it was going to be without him lighting up my life and filling a room with his personality and his love of life.

This particular letter was so poignant because Chris passed away this summer. It has been eight years since we broke up and when I heard the news I felt my heart break all over again. Then when I read the letter last night, I bawled my eyes out but in a good way. Who knew that all those years ago I was writing a letter to myself to help me remember how lucky I was to have had the chance to experience great love and how lucky I was to have known this great man. We are given small blessings in life. My blessing last night was to have found this journal and to have taken the time to re-read its pages. My blessing in life has been to have loved, even though I lost it.