Sick.

Today's post is actually an easy one. I'm sick. Again. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was sick so often as I have been over the past 6 months. It's annoying. 

I'll make this short and sweet. Mr. Future Man, please, please, please, be willing to take care of me when I'm sick. Buy me orange juice, rub my tense shoulders, get me some Vicks vapor rub even though it probably won't help with the raging sinus infection, and just be there for me. Oh and cuddle me while watching a sappy chick flick. That's all I need. All I want right now. 

Surprisingly, this is a hard one for guys I think. At least for the guys I have dated in the past.

Cheerleader

While thinking about what I want from my future Mr. Someone, my mind went to my married siblings. Now I know they don’t have perfect relationships, but they are pretty darn close to perfection in my mind. One thing that I believe really helps the success rate of their marriages is that they are equally each other’s biggest fan and biggest cheerleader. That’s what I want. What I think I actually really need.

Particularly, I want a guy who makes me feel amazing and capable of anything. {I have some security and self-esteem issues dating back from who knows when, but they still occasionally rear their ugly heads in my subconscious}. For example, I am not one of those people who wakes up in the morning looking like I haven’t been assaulted by my pillow and blankets. Lines crease my face, my hair takes on an other-worldly quality (and not in the ethereal other-worldly way), and I look paler and pastier than my pasty day-time self. It isn’t pretty.

I once went on a vacation with friends and there was a guy there and I wanted him so badly to notice me –in a good way {from the pleading in my head on that ‘so badly’ statement, you know it was early college years}. We all crammed into a hotel room and the first morning I woke up and ran into him as he was coming out of the bathroom. He said, no joke, “Whoa. Scary.” CRUSHED! I was absolutely crushed.

What a cheerleader and fan does is lift up and motivate and give courage to keep going. A cheerleader picks you up and tells you you are fantastic, even when you are down by 40 points. He sees past the creased face and crazy morning hair and tells you you're beautiful and worth it.

That’s what my siblings and their spouses seem to do for one another. It is what I am SO looking forward to having one day. And I’m definitely looking forward to being someone’s cheerleader again… I can’t do a high kick, but I can sure do some mad spirit fingers and pump my arms in the air!

Day late {and a dollar short}

The title seems to sum up a few events in my personal life lately. It's as if the universe is trying to tell me to pick up the pace a little and quit goofing off or I might keep missing opportunities.

How is the universe telling me this? For one, I have had the same theme in my dreams each night for 2 weeks! {yes, I admit my subconscious controls this and not the universe, but my subconscious dream self is so out there sometimes that it must be more than just me; I'm just not that creative}. 

What is this dream theme? It is that I should have married my ex-boyfriend who passed away last summer. In each dream he is either alive or I'm talking to him after he has gone and each time he tells me that I should have married him, or someone else tells me this. Then it ends with me feeling a sense of peace that I'll get to be with him one day. I wake up and think "What the Crap!?!" Sense of peace my @$$! How ridiculous would it be if that were reality and I had to wait decade upon decade to be with him? Still, there has to be something to the recurring dream theme. Doesn't there?

Second example of the universe playing the "too late Kara" theme. I had the sixth guy -count it -6th guy -tell me how great I am, how he has such a great time with me, but that he has decided to try and go exclusive with another girl. So sorry. Huh? Apparently I am the positive catalyst for many guys in moving towards marriage -just not with me. What the what? I love it how the guy will tell me this and then want to just chitchat about nothing. Please. Tell me the news and then leave my presence or hang up the phone because I need to cry then rant then cry again then get over it. {that whole cry rant cry thing takes very little time, but is a necessary part of my feeling sorry for myself moment}.

Apparently if I had met these guys just a couple of weeks sooner maybe I'd be the girl they wanted to move towards exclusivity with. I'll never know. What I do know is that I need a new theme in my life.

Sounds like a Monday post to me ...

Hands

Everyone has something that they really notice on a guy -I notice his hands. Obviously his face and overall built is noticed before, but I try to take note of his hands. I love big strong hands that are not dirty {read clean fingernails here} and the fingernails are not nubs or deformed, and that aren't too soft but not too calloused either.

I used to be quite averse to holding hands in pubic for no intelligent reason at all {but when making the decision when you are 17-20, nothing is super intelligent}. I was dumb. Holding hands is awesome and represents a closeness to me that even kissing or cuddling can't duplicate. For me it is a very public symbol to everyone that "hey, this guy is with me {and sometimes it should be hey, yep, he's lucky enough to have me ;)}. 

Hands represent many things to me and are the tools to really show the character of the guy. Hands open doors, hands rest in the small of your back {sigh} to gently guide you through a door or around an object, hands caress, hands write the notes that tell you how he feels. Hands can show so much. 

Simply put, I put a lot of weight in the guy's hands.

Clarification on Kissing

Apparently, my post was a bit misleading. Don't get me wrong. I'm a HUGE fan of kissing. And I don't think it means I have to marry a guy or even date him seriously for me to kiss him. I just have to think he is cute and have the idea that maybe there is potential. Long gone are the days of meaningless kisses that were a part of my teen and early-twenties.

However, the type of kissing that I was writing about last week is the type that actually means something. The kind that gives you butterflies just thinking about. The kind that means you really like him and you know, from his kiss, that he really likes you. The kind that says I love you. That is the type I have been craving, which is why calling booty-call boy just won't cut it. 

So there. Yes, I'll take what I can get; but I really want more.

Kissing

Have you ever felt the urge to have a really great kiss so much that it resonated in your belly? I'm having a moment {truth be told I have been having this moment for a while which makes it less of a 'moment' thing and more like a systemic problem}. 

For my married and dating friends out there, you may not remember this urge since you most likely get to kiss to your hearts delight, but this urge is crazy! It makes my heart race just thinking about it and my throat constrict. 

Unlike my all-too-often urge to each chocolate, this urge can't be so easily satisfied. Duh. Some days being single is really not my favorite thing in the world. 

Maybe I should call booty-call guy... ;)

The Big Wish...

This post is dedicated to the right hand ad banner on facebook. It apparently knows me well...

While this post isn't very insightful as to my thoughts or feelings about a future relationship {it being my insightful Wednesday post}, but eventually this will be good information for Mr. whomever to know.

I don't know a lot about what I want my future wedding to look like; other than I want one. But, I have given the ring a lot of thought and am firmly of the belief that I want a good ring, which means, a big one. Will I be satisfied with less? Absolutely. After all, it is about the guy and the marriage and the commitment and not the ring. I get that and actually firmly believe it. 

But, a girl can always wish...

What is my wish? Well, I found the two below pictures quite inspiring. I've read that you should visualize your wants and dreams and they will become a reality. Fortunately I can truly visualize either of these beauties donning the empty space on my left hand. {Sigh}

 

The first one is gorgeous! I've wanted an emerald cut for a really long time. {Not as long as I've wanted a husband mind you, but still, a long time}. There is something so beautiful and so classic and stunning about the cut.  As for the second, it is just beautiful. Need I say more?

So there you have it. My big wish.

Dream {Nightmare}

As anyone in my family will tell you (and likely many ex-boyfriends) I am a vivid dreamer. I remember the most mundane details in dreams. When I was younger, I would tell my family about my dreams and include each little detail from the color of a shirt to what people in the background were doing who didn't play an actual role in my dream. 

Most of the time my dreams are bizarre and make me wonder what is really going on in my head such that I have to nightly decompress and rid my mind of all the useless bits of stress and information overload I take in each day. 

So I had a dream last night. {I promise I won't go into the details such as the color of the table cloths (white with red ribbons) or the time of day (4:48 when I last looked at a clock on the wall)...}

In my dream my family sat me down and told me frankly that they were tired of me being single. So, my wedding was that Saturday. I had 5 days to plan, get a dress, get invitations out, food, and...tell the guy that he had to show up to marry me. Who was this unsuspecting but incredibly lucky man? One of my exes to be exact {let's call him Stan since I've never dated a Stan}.

My family had found a reception hall where the bride who rented it didn't have enough money to rent the whole place and was willing to let me have a portion of the dining hall for a relatively small fee and the insertion of a paper wall. Classy, I know. {Fortunately we had the paper wall or our colors would have horribly clashed my sister told me}. 

I went dress shopping and found the most gaudy dress my mind could dream up and then instead of invitations, we called and emailed a select group of 57 people. 

The day before the wedding I realized I had not yet told Stan. I realized that Saturdays Stan would be teaching skiing and that it was highly unlikely he would show up for our wedding. I didn't call. I didn't tell my family I didn't call. 

The day of the wedding shows up and we decide to eat first because, in a dream you can do whatever you want. All the guests were there and music started to play to announce the happy to-be bride and groom. The doors opened and ... I walked in shaking my head looking down at the ground in a black outfit with a white sash. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. Apparently,  once again, I had failed to produce a man who would marry me. {I don't remember ever having been in this situation before, but my thought in the dream leads me to believe that my 'dream self' had experienced this humiliation before}.

We all ate, cleaned up and left. 

I woke up in a cold sweat. 

This dream could have lots of meanings. But I choose to interpret it this way: Don't ever let my family rent out part of a reception hall and give me less than 1 week to plan a wedding and inform an unknowing groom he is about to marry me. 

I think I have a pretty good chance at avoiding this dream in real life.