Follow-up on my 'problem'

The solution to my problem of staying too much in my head? I just tried really hard to not think about it. Every time I would get in that mode of analyzing everything and thinking about everything, I would consciously try to stop it. And you know what? It worked. Or I should say, it is working. I still have moments where I can hear the gears start warming up and the battle field starts rumbling in my head, but I am dealing with it and trying to live in the moment. 

Living in the moment is so much sweeter than living in my head :)

{Sigh}.

Genuinely Happy

Several years ago one of my sisters told me that I need to look for a guy that makes me genuinely happy and that isn't afraid to show his affection for me {she used the term "can't keep his hands off you" -but my parents read this blog so it felt uncouth to write that ;)}. 

I thought I had experienced this kind of guy. I thought I had been really happy in past relationships. But here's the thing. I know each time I started dating a guy and I would ask myself if I was genuinely happy, there was almost always a pause to figure out if I was. Not a good sign in hindsight. The answer should be an automatic and enthusiastic YES!!!! If it isn't then maybe there is something missing. 

It is so difficult to know what is working and what isn't working in a relationship. It is scary to end things that appear to be working -not fabulously but well enough. I know, I've been there. But settling for just happy instead of genuinely happy shouldn't be on the list of things you will settle for. At least I don't think so.

I can say that looking back, I lacked this enthusiastic response. I couldn't say I was genuinely happy with any guy. Happy yes, but happy with a bit of hesitation. 

I'm so glad to say that my response to the question of whether I am genuinely happy today is YES YES YES! And it feels so great to finally know what my sister was telling me to look for.  :)

I. have. a problem.

I have a problem of keeping my head out of relationships. This is one reason why I have been trying so incredibly hard to just live in the now and be present; to not forecast or over analyze. That is so freaking hard to do sometimes though! Ugh!

I've been doing so well lately on this. But some switch turned on the other day and now all hell has broken loose in my head. I’m not sure how to turn off my brain either now that it has gone into what I can only categorize as "crisis mode." It foresees the loss of complete control and it is doing all it can to not allow that to happen. And what is really dumb is that I see this happening and don't want it to happen {right?} but feel at a loss as to how to stop it or control it.

Yes, this duality in me is really obnoxious and disconcerting. I really thought I had control of it but clearly I don’t because I AM FREAKING OUT!!! {inside that is –on the outside I’m calm and collected}.

I need help. I need tips and suggestions. Oh and "just stop doing it" isn’t working. You gotta come up with something better. After all, my brain has launched a full blown assault on my emotions. It's heard all the stuff before and I think I need new material to launch my own surprise attack ;)

Cheese Ball

I like to consider myself as a fairly level headed person. I am a working professional and because work takes up most of my days, I try to come across as professional. However {and let me add that in my case it is a big however}, I have a really nerdy, cheesy, call it what you will, side. A side that is a bit contrary to the day to day side I present to the world.

I have an admittedly odd sense of humor, I tend to bust out in {uncoordinated} dance or song in stores, my house, and especially in the car (car dancing is an experience I tend to share mostly with my youngest sister), I am not the most coordinated and I am what many in my family call, a dork. Guilty.

I would like to say I’m admittedly a dork and don’t care who knows, but that is wholly untrue. In the past I have held back this side of me because I didn’t think a guy would find me as appealing if he knew what a huge nerd/dork/cheese ball/whatever, I really am. I can honestly say that maybe only 1 serious boyfriend in the past has seen this side of me. Maybe. {Yes, that is a horrible fact but one I am facing head on today}. And I should add, look where it has gotten me.

I don’t think I am alone in that I hold back the seemingly less glamorous sides of myself. But how strong can the relationship possibly be if I am not being true to my dorky/cheesy self? And whose to say those "less glamorous" sides of myself aren't the ones that he thinks are the best and cutest parts of me. I think it would be amazing, and a bit ground breaking in my case, to find someone who helps me relax from the start. A guy with whom I can feel so at ease that I am not only not afraid to show this side of me, but with whom I want to show it to and share it with.

I’m truly looking forward to that day when I can find that Mr. Future Someone who not only helps me break out of my shell, but loves me for me –all the dorky/cheesy parts included.

Finding Balance

This morning I started thinking about this blog. I don't want it to turn into a love fest blog about my current very happy relationship. There is a lot I still think about and maybe need to work through via this medium. So I'm going to keep it up, with hopefully only a little cheesiness intertwined into the posts.

A couple of months ago I wrote this note to myself: "Find Balance". I found it the other day and honestly cannot remember what prompted the note, but after thinking about it, I think it is great advice to myself. Who doesn't need a little more balance after all?

As a single girl I have had to find self worth and value in being single and in being alone. That isn't always easy, especially since I belong to a church that emphasizes family so much. But that comfort level with ones self is important, no matter what stage of life we find ourselves at. Being totally at ease with living life, such as preparing a dinner by myself and just enjoying the silence that 'singlehood' brings, is important in my  mind.

But with everything, there is a necessary level of balance involved. Here I am. I have my own place, I have my things, I know who made the mess, who is responsible, where I can find total quiet if I want to... I have my routine and I am actually happy with it and find comfort in the life I have established.

I think ultimately the note to myself to find balance just means that I have to remember that in all things there is a little give and take. I have to be open to allowing someone to intrude on my 'routine' and into my solace. I'm comfortable with being single. Now I have to make sure I can allow myself to be comfortable being with someone else. After all, just me is fine, but me with someone else...well that could be amazing! Right?

Willingness to grow

It’s just a guess {but a reasonable one I think}, but a hallmark of a really great relationship is manifest in each person’s willingness to grow during the relationship.

A few weeks ago, a guy I know who has been married for about 7 years told me that he heard that every person undergoes some major personal growth and development approximately every 7 years. This is just part of life (hence the well-known ‘7-year itch’). He said that at first he was resistant to the changes since it meant he would be different from the person his wife fell in love with and vice versa, that she would also be different. But then he said something profound {at least to me}… He said that he realized that this growth that happens gives him the opportunity to fall in love with his wife again for who she is today. How cool is that?

I have been in a few really long term relationships. Some of them I came out a better person, some of them I have resisted the change and the implications I thought those changes meant and would bring to the relationship. Unfortunately I think I denied myself, and the guy, the chance to grow together and see how we weathered that growth together.

Inevitably relationships change. Right now I am in the “oh-so-giddy and willing to stay up unreasonably late for a girl my age” phase. I know that soon we will settle into a routine and still be excited to see each other and to learn new things about each other, but it naturally and inevitably becomes a different phase in the relationship. How awesome would it be to take each phase and the changes that come with that phase and learn to fall in love with your spouse or boyfriend, or girlfriend again?

So my Mr. Future Someone {and no, I am not inserting a specific name here because I just don’t know yet…}, be willing to change with me, and to grow with me, and to find new and exciting ways to fall in love with each other time and time again.

And then there was one...

The past couple of months have been a blast. With that pesky Neptune departing my zodiac sign it appears that I am now able to have more success in my dating and romantic life. As I wrote in an earlier post, Phew!!! And boy has it been fun not having to deal with that big blue planet impeding my every love move.

I’ve been casually dating 3-4 guys this year and have enjoyed the opportunity to get to know each of them and to really find out what it is I am looking for and what … clicks … with me. So far so good, and I have found that of these guys, I am really abundantly clicking with one.

One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t force excitement. When I get a text or an email, or the occasional call from one guy, I get butterflies and as I sit at my desk or wherever I am, I get a cheesy grin that just won’t go away. The same doesn’t happen with the others. Don’t get me wrong. I get excited. But in a different way.

I look forward to his texts and his emails. I look forward to seeing him and talking to him and just being with him. Being single with him doesn’t feel lonely or empty at all {yes, I know that's the whole point of being with someone}. But I think had I gone with the other great options I had, I may have felt a bit empty in the relationship. It’s hard to know for sure, but I’m not going to risk this chance to see if the others are as fulfilling.

Wish me luck. He’s amazing. Truly.{sigh}