A Little Give and Take

Last night I had dinner with a friend. Somehow we started talking about relationships and we both agreed that a relationship is better when there is mutual give and take. 

When I get into a relationship, I have a lot of fun trying to find ways to give to the guy I am dating. Whether it is cooking a meal, putting dishes away while he is studying, buying a little something for him or writing a note and leaving it on his car, I love to give. But I often forget that I need to receive as well, and I put my needs aside until one day I wonder why I am the only one giving in the relationship. Of course, it would help if I communicated this to the guy before it got to the point where I was disappointed. 

So, there you have it future man in my life. I'd love attention and your giving to me as much as I give to you. That doesn't mean gifts. It means the whole range of giving; from your time, your attention, little things I would appreciate you doing or surprising me with a little something now and then. That's all. Good relationships need that reciprocal give and take and I can't wait until I can give {and take} again.

A little insight

There are so many rules to dating. There is the wait to call rule, the A list and B list rule, the time between dates rule, the exclusivity rule, the when to kiss rule, the gift rule, ... So many rules it is difficult to keep it all straight. And it is also difficult to insert my own personality and my wants and desires into someone else's rules. So I've decided to make a weekly Wednesday post on my rules and expectations. Maybe Mr. Right is reading this blog and it would be helpful to gain a little insight into me. Or maybe it will serve as a sounding board to make sure my rules aren't outrageous and my expectations aren't impossible to meet. 

With that said, here is my first ever Insight Wednesday post.

I must admit. I don't like the rules society has given -especially the one on how I can't show too much emotion too early on. Here's the truth about me. If I'm into a guy, I want him to know it. I don't want him to be scared off, but to be flattered and hopefully, be into me as well. I'm usually a good judge as to when a guy is into me, so I'm not too worried about that. What I don't understand is why a text from me or a call from me out of the blue is a bad thing or rather an unacceptable thing. And can't I say I'd love to go out on Friday without him thinking I'm secretly saying I love him? 

Life is short and moves way to fast the older I get. So why not just go with the flow and do what seems fun and right and that gives me that 'oh my goodness, this just may go somewhere' feeling that is a mixture of excitement and fear all mixed together. 

The gist of it is, if I'm into a guy, I hope he wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with him. And I hope he wants to send me the random text to see how my day is going and not feel worried that he has unwittingly sent me a proposal.

It's Good to Be Reminded

Sometimes you get exactly what you need at that exact moment. I got one of those last night. I got these...

And I got them from a really nice guy. First date and flowers. I know some girls my feel like the guy was trying too hard, but last night, I didn't feel anything but gratitude that a guy would take the time to give me flowers (oh and truffles :)). 

It is good to be reminded that I may be worth flowers occasionally. It is also good to be reminded that little things go a long way in another person's life. I should remember that more often. 

{Side note...family members, please please please don't read into the flowers. They were a nice gesture. Nothing more.}

Lessons Learned

This weekend was a really good one. I got some work done, hung out with friends and family and just tried to relax and enjoy it all. In the end, I think I am ending this weekend having learned a few things.

1. The conference center locks down its garage at about 11:30 pm. Show up at 12:15 am to get your car and you are pretty much SOL, unless you can somehow convince a security guard to let you in and then let you out of the garage. 

2. Getting out of my comfort zone is sometimes not a horrible disaster and sometimes I can meet great people and potential friends.

3. The internet may seem like it is a place where people are faceless and therefore not really real, but the things we put out there have the potential to affect real people with real feelings. Sorry Michael. I removed the poem post. 

4. Going to bed early (like tonight) is not a bad thing and may keep me younger longer {and its free unlike other youth-maintenance remedies}, which is a very good thing.

All in all, I learned some things and met some fantastic people. Here's to a great weekend and many more to come!

I'm a Horrible Person

Ugh! This summer a guy I was totally into ended things out of the blue. He said it just wasn't going to go anywhere. I was shocked since I thought we were really clicking. Apparently we weren't. Today I was the one doing the 'dumping'. We have gone on three dates but it wasn't clicking for me. All our calls and dates have just lacked that spark. Super nice guy, but it just wasn't going to go anywhere. I had to tell him. I feel like the worst person alive right now. I hate this feeling.

It's Complicated

Emotions are complicated things. One day I am perfectly satisfied with the course of my life. I've got a great job, a great apartment and overall, I'm quite happy and content. Then the next night I dream about an ex boyfriend and what it would be like to be with him again and I wake up all confused and question whether I have made the right decisions in my life as far as boys are concerned {of course not is the answer -right?}.

The latest episode was brought on by a dream where I was at a party and my first real love was sitting there. {In real life he is married with kids but in my dream he was divorced and no kids}. I kept sneaking glances in his direction wondering if it really was him. It was and he finally broke the ice and walked over to me and we started talking. We didn't talk about anything amazing or earth shattering, it was just a normal conversation. But I woke up feeling that dread that I had made a horrible mistake 12 years ago when I told him I just wasn't ready to be married. {I did that while on a mission which was not the best idea since I was riding the emotional roller coaster of the century at the time I made this life changing decision}. But I digress...

This really isn't a post about the dream or opportunities lost, it is about not understanding how to be 100% satisfied with my life 100% of the time. Maybe I'm putting too many expectations on myself. Does anyone out there have the 100% satisfaction guarantee in their life? Probably not. But getting to a stable place emotionally 100% of the time is far more complicated than I think it should be. Perhaps I should really aim for a 85% satisfaction target and then I will hit that goal since I think I am happy and content with my life about 85% percent of the time. Just so you know, today is a good day. I'd probably rank it above 85%. That's a good thing :).

Flirting. How the Crap Do I Do It?

This past weekend I attended an all-day seminar put on by a local dating coach. It was a long day. It was made even longer by the fact that the more she spoke the more I realized that I have been LUCKY to get dates and to have boyfriends ;). I'm not a flirt and apparently, the correct flirting is the key to dates. And as we all know, the key to getting married is actually going on dates.

I learned some techniques that will require me actually placing myself in the presence of single men (where and how, I am at a loss but I'll find them if it kills me). What is going to be the hardest part of all this is that what I was taught is so completely unnatural for me and I absolutely know I will make a fool of myself. For example, I am supposed to giggle, speak in a higher pitched voice, play with my hair (which will be more difficult since I just cut it off), laughingly touch his arm and give it a slight squeeze, give little waives and smiles and basically pretend I am 16 and not 35. I'm doomed. No doubt about it.

But, I'm going to make an effort. The next party or singles event I am at, I am going to try at least one new technique and thrust myself out of my comfort zone, even if it is just for 60 seconds or less.

Wish me luck! I truly need it.

Better to Have Loved...

I used to think that the author of the phrase “tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all” was full of it. I’ve lost love and it hurts and sucks and wreaks physical and emotional havoc on me. But last night I changed my mind. I’ve decided I am so lucky to have felt love and to have been loved, especially by some ridiculously amazing guys.

I recently moved and as a result of the move, I brought several books, journals and scrapbooks out of storage. I have slowly been going through them and reminiscing. Last night I pulled out a journal I began in 1996. It briefly described my excitement at being in love for the first time with a great guy. However, the majority of the journal is dedicated to a former boyfriend named Chris Parker. I was head over heels in love with the guy. I wrote about getting butterflies over my whole body when he would smile at me or hold my hand; how he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met; and most importantly, how he was my absolute best friend. I trusted him whole heartedly.

Ours was a rocky relationship due to religious differences, but we were madly in love and wanted it to work out. When it didn’t, I took to my journal to pen ‘drafts’ of letters to him. Many made it to him, but I think most were just an opportunity for me to pour out my heart and try and get over the loss of him in my life. It took me nearly 3 years to allow myself to fall in love again. He was amazing.

I bring this up because as I was reading one letter, I was struck with the poignancy of its application to my life today as it relates to Chris. I wrote how I couldn’t imagine a life without hearing his voice or seeing his quirky little smile. How I would drive by his old apartment and emotions would flood over me; how I couldn’t see a future with no Chris in my life. I wrote about his influence on me and how he helped me grow into a stronger woman and a more confident woman. I wrote about how thankful I was to have had those years with him and how I would never forget them or him. Over and over I wrote how sad it was going to be without him lighting up my life and filling a room with his personality and his love of life.

This particular letter was so poignant because Chris passed away this summer. It has been eight years since we broke up and when I heard the news I felt my heart break all over again. Then when I read the letter last night, I bawled my eyes out but in a good way. Who knew that all those years ago I was writing a letter to myself to help me remember how lucky I was to have had the chance to experience great love and how lucky I was to have known this great man. We are given small blessings in life. My blessing last night was to have found this journal and to have taken the time to re-read its pages. My blessing in life has been to have loved, even though I lost it. 

Enough is Enough?

This year I have experimented with the few dates I have actually had. My experiment was to give each first date that wasn't the most outrageously horrific experience I have ever encountered, a second date. Prior to this experiment my rule of thumb was that I just knew if they were a firm NO WAY sucka! and if they fit that category, no second date. Period. But I have now been giving this 2 date minimum a chance for the past 10 or so months and I have to say, I think my former rule was right.

Every time I have had that thought on the first date that there was no way it was ever going to progress, I have pushed the thought aside and made room for the possibility of it might work, right? After all, who isn't nervous on a first date, especially when that date is a blind date or a 'semi-blind only know you from an online dating site' date. Nerves are at an all time high and you want to make a great impression, which usually means you make a less than favorable impression. I get it. But sometimes you just know, don't you? And if you just know, is it more polite to give a second date and therefore give the guy that glimmer of hope that it might work out, or do you just pull the plug right then and there?

Honestly, I have no idea what approach is better. Sure, a free dinner is always a bonus. (Actually just a date is a bonus in my mind so why not take the second). And usually the conversation is good. But is sparing the guy a few bucks for a second date better than letting him think he didn't just waste an evening or a lunch? I haven't a clue.

Do you? Any ideas on what is better? I have yet to go on a second date with a guy I felt was a firm no where I ended up thinking, 'well, maybe'. Have you had one of those? I'm just curious. Do I stick with the experiment or do I go back to my old reliable ways?

13 and counting...

That's the number of people I know who have become engaged since probably June. I have decided not to count anymore since it was getting ridiculous. Only a few of these people knew each other for a long period of time -most, less than a year. What punch are they drinking, because I definitely need a swig of that; or maybe a whole punch bowl full.

Apparently engagements come in waves. This happens to be a wave of tidal proportions! I'm afraid it will rush past me and I'll be left in the tidal pool waiting for the next wave to hit. I'm not trying to be all boo-hoo-ish about this, but its hard not to be. Facebook post after facebook post has boasted of the impending nuptials of so many people that I have wanted to throw my phone and computer off of a very tall building. About a month ago I had 4 straight days of posts by people about getting engaged. Unfair? Absolutely I think.

I have never been married, haven't had a real engagement ring put on my finger. Yet for the past year, every so often during the day I will look down at my bare finger and have a waive of panic that I've lost my wedding ring. Then I realize that I didn't lose it, it apparently lost me and found other willing little fingers to grace. Sad inside.

On a completely different tangent, the date on Friday was good. :)

Somebody Loved

As I was cooking dinner for moi only tonight, one of my favorite songs played on my iPod -"Somebody Loved" by the Weepies. I love the song and the line "you turned me into somebody loved." As I listened I longed for the day when I could look some amazing man in the eyes and know that he had turned me into somebody loved. There is something so incredibly fantastic about knowing someone loves you.

Then as I sat there I realized that I was already somebody loved. I'm loved by SO many people! I have 2 fantastic parents who let me know daily I am loved. I have 7 siblings that I am blessed to have wonderful friendships with and who let me know they love me and I have 15 nieces and nephews who thankfully all love me (even Owen sometimes loves me ;-p).

The thing about life is that it becomes so easy to look at what I don't have. I don't have a husband. I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't have a lot of friends. I don't have a ton of money. I don't, I don't, I don't... But all that becomes irrelevant when I think about what I DO have. I have a lot. I have an abundance in my life. And I'm not just somebody. I've absolutely beeen turned into somebody loved -by all these people...

And these people

Oh and I actually have a date this weekend. Go me!

I Heart Camping

I mentioned in a previous post that I have recently joined an online dating site. It's funny. Even writing that I'm doing the online dating thing makes me wince a little and hold my breath while I write the words. But I digress. This post is directed at the men on the site. Yes, I know they aren't reading this post and the likelihood that this message will trickle down is slim to unlikely, but I cannot let another day go without saying something. I owe it to myself and other like-minded girls who are daring enough to wade through the murky waters of online dating to try and address this all-important topic.

Here goes...

It appears that 99.9% of the men within a 30 mile radius of Salt Lake City, between the ages of 28 and 42 love to camp and to hike. About 80% of these men love to four-wheel, hunt, fish and do other "manly" outdoor activities. Now I know you men are trying to be honest, but really? You think the best way to attract a woman is to state, in the first lines of your greeting that you essentially enjoy sleeping on the most uncomfortable surfaces known to man, while being smelly and dirty? Really? That isn't sexy or appealing. Honestly. 

It is confusing to me, it truly is. I don't heart camping. I do it and actually like it for, oh, 3 days max, but love it? Not a chance. Apparently every man has been told that this is the best way to a woman's heart. But all I read is that if I choose him, I'll have to suffer the pain of days and days of camping and riding in the bumpiest car while four-wheeling. No. Thank. You. Somewhere these men were led astray. Very astray.

Booty Call

Yes, I got a booty call offer the other night. At 11:48 pm, I got a text asking me to come over to watch a movie. Seriously? I had to stop and question, how old are we??? Admittedly, I did not shy away from these offers during high school and even the first years of college, but now? Come on. Make it a little less obvious and maybe, I'll respond ;). 

So I suppose I should admit that after the offer (which I did reject), I shouldn't feel so rejected. I'll take whatever positive reinforcement I can get.

Dealing with Rejection

So I joined ldssingles a little over a month ago. It came on the heals of a breakup with a guy I had only dated a couple of months and I decided I needed to get myself out there again and quickly. The positive results were instantaneous (albeit from 60+ year olds) but then guys my age started contacting me and it felt good. I had about 7 guys I was actively 'messaging' and things were looking positive. Then a month passed and one by one they stopped replying and I was left with just 3 guys and still, none of them had asked to meet me. Odd.

Now comes the rejection. Online dating is like being rejected at the biggest party you have ever been to by every man at the party. It wears on me emotionally; especially when I make the initial contact, see that the guy looked at my profile and then decided I just wasn't worth it. It sucks. And it keeps happening. Am I really that unappealing to every man out there in ldssingles land? Okay, okay, not every one of them. I still get the occasional 'flirt' or 'message' from a guy I just am not interested in even remotely. But it still feels awful. I'm being rejected on a grand scale and I hate it.

Rejection is never easy to deal with. Preempting rejection is one reason why I tend to stay away from parties and dances. I should have preempted the online dating rejection and not signed up. It sucks.

Busting a move

I'll be honest. I'm definitely not one of those girls who is comfortable making the first move, or the second, or third... In fact, it takes me a while before I am comfortable taking the initiative. It is really hard for me to feel comfortable in that arena. So, I understand that guys have a problem with it too. Still, I have found that this moment can be so incredibly awkward and some guys just are far too methodical or not methodical enough. For example...

Example #1
I dated a guy for a while who was SO methodical. Yet, our first kiss was spontaneous and amazing. After that it went downhill, then up then down and then, well, we broke up.

Here was a typical night. If I were at his place, he would tell me I could have a seat (because we were talking or watching a movie). He always let me sit first. Then he would seat himself not next to me, but as far on the other side of the couch as he could get. Then, about 15 or 20 minutes into the movie or the conversation, he would pull me over to him and we would cuddle. Then, after 15 or so minutes of that, he would bust the kiss move. Very methodical and I could almost set a timer as to when each move would happen. I think because it was so staged, it was hard for me to relax and just be in the moment, which in turn, made many of the kisses a bit awkward and lacked that first kiss chemistry.

If we happened to be in his car, there was a method. First, he would take off his seat belt and lean back on his door to talk to me. Then he would take a deep breath and then make the move. Again, too methodical to make it as exciting as it could have been.

Honestly, when it came down to it, I just wanted to make out so the whole "staged production" bit didn't bother me, until we broke up. Then I started thinking about it. Really? After a couple of months he couldn't just relax? I wonder what was in his head each time. Was it "okay, she sat down. I need to wait a few minutes before I can cuddle or put my arm around her." Then "great, she didn't reject my move so if I wait long enough I can kiss her." Was he listening to what we talked about or was he calculating each move? I wonder. But if anyone knows this guy simply by my description of his 'method of busting a move' I encourage you to tell him to loosen up and just dive in. It worked for the first kiss, and it will work for all the rest of the kisses. I promise.

Example #2
This example is shorter -don't worry. It involves the guy who says "come on, just kiss me." Are you serious? You think that will work? (Yes, it does work, at least on me, sometimes, I admit). But it shouldn't work. There is no tact, no delicacy, no... romance. That's it. Nothing but a kiss, that again is admittedly fun, but is lacking.

There is something about that awkward moment before a first or even second kiss; before you get each other and know you won't be rejected. I love and hate that moment, but love it more because it has that moment of awkward anticipation, that moment where you both know it is going to happen and the butterflies are full-on sprinting in circles in your stomach. That moment is great and both tactics -the 'come on, let's kiss' tactic and the uber-methodical tactic take away from that moment. I can't wait for that moment again. I guess that is one advantage to still being single, I know I get at least one more of those moments. I hope it is the ideal kind.

punched. in. the. stomach.

That is how my brother described the feeling when he found out his ex-girlfriend was engaged. That is how I felt a couple of weeks ago when I found out an ex-boyfriend was engaged. Like the wind had been knocked out of me and it wouldn't come back. I would be fine and then it would hit me again.

He said he wasn't ready for marriage, that he may never be ready.

Apparently it was just me he wasn't ready to marry.

It isn't that I still want to be with him. I can firmly state that I don't and have long since moved on, but the pain is that he got it. He got what I have wanted for a long time. Something he didn't think he wanted. Why him? Why is he the lucky one?

My brother asked me if somewhere deep down I hope he isn't as happy with her as he was with me and that he has regrets. Of course! That's so awful to say, but it's true. But then I saw a picture of him after the engagement and realized, he is happier. Duh.

I've been having this pitty party for about 2 weeks, then I actually got punched in the stomach with the stomach flu. That will teach me I guess. ;P

A New Direction

About a year ago I was at a party. A guy I had met before was there and waived me over to him. Of course I was a little excited, a guy actually remembered me and wanted to talk to me again; so I headed in his direction only to notice that he was talking to another girl. No big deal, it’s a party. But then he looked at me, said “hold on”, turned his back on me and got the phone number of the other girl. Now it isn’t that he was hitting on two girls at the same time that bothered me, it was that I have to endure a guy hitting on two girls at the same time. Seriously! I'm in my 30's, still single and this is what I have to deal with? Then and there I thought I should start blogging about my dating experiences, or lack thereof.

After thinking about it for a while I decided that nobody wanted to hear about my experiences so I talked my brother into starting a blog that posted events and activities for single people around Salt Lake Valley. That bombed. Neither of us were too enthused about hunting down activities. The blog went stagnant and unattended. That is, until now. I still don’t know if anyone wants to read about my experiences or those I hear about, but heck, I’m almost 35 and have had more dating experiences than I care to think about so why not share those and maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who will find a little humor in sharing the dating life of a single girl in Salt Lake City. So here goes nothing…