Relax and Enjoy the Moment

It has been quite a while since my last post. In the interim I have traveled to the Middle East, returned to a boyfriend I was missing immensely and just overall enjoyed life. 

Recently I was talking with a friend who is in the first stages of a relationship {those anxiety ridden days are hopefully behind me :)}. She was expressing her fears and confusion and desire to know where it was going.

My response? Just relax about it and enjoy the moment. I really tried to employ this philosophy this year and with this relationship. And you know what? It really is great advise and it has helped tremendously I think in moving my relationship along. I discovered a sense of understanding about myself and my abilities to cope with new situations and quickly progressing emotions that I haven't had before. Even if it doesn't work out with this relationship, I think relaxing and enjoying the moments I do have with this amazing guy is rewarding.

We can't control the future. We can't control the person we are interested in. Heck, we can't even control our own emotions at times... So why make it harder? Relationships are exciting and fun and even the hard times should be taken in stride. We all have them. But I think the key is to find that place of balance {"serenity now" -lol} and go with it.

Sweet Exhaustion

One of my sisters told me to abandon this blog…I felt that it was premature, and still do. Problem with keeping it though is that I don’t have a lot to contribute right now. Part of that is due to the exhaustion I am feeling from working full time and hanging out full time in the evenings with my ‘friend’ ;).

If I have anything to write, it is this…caffeine is my best friend and it is fun to be with someone who wants to be with me so much that he is willing to forego sleep and feel the unpleasantness of sleep deprivation with me. I have had relationships where a sleep schedule was far more important than being with me and at the time I thought that was okay since we all need sleep. Right?  But I have to admit that I love the fact that someone wants to be with me so much that he is figuring out how to make it work on very little sleep. Of course we pull back occasionally and try to end nights reasonably early so that neither of us really mess up at work. We try and utilize those moments (and weekend naps) so that we can make it work.

Life is a state of exhausted sweetness right now. I have no complaints.

Follow-up on my 'problem'

The solution to my problem of staying too much in my head? I just tried really hard to not think about it. Every time I would get in that mode of analyzing everything and thinking about everything, I would consciously try to stop it. And you know what? It worked. Or I should say, it is working. I still have moments where I can hear the gears start warming up and the battle field starts rumbling in my head, but I am dealing with it and trying to live in the moment. 

Living in the moment is so much sweeter than living in my head :)

{Sigh}.

Genuinely Happy

Several years ago one of my sisters told me that I need to look for a guy that makes me genuinely happy and that isn't afraid to show his affection for me {she used the term "can't keep his hands off you" -but my parents read this blog so it felt uncouth to write that ;)}. 

I thought I had experienced this kind of guy. I thought I had been really happy in past relationships. But here's the thing. I know each time I started dating a guy and I would ask myself if I was genuinely happy, there was almost always a pause to figure out if I was. Not a good sign in hindsight. The answer should be an automatic and enthusiastic YES!!!! If it isn't then maybe there is something missing. 

It is so difficult to know what is working and what isn't working in a relationship. It is scary to end things that appear to be working -not fabulously but well enough. I know, I've been there. But settling for just happy instead of genuinely happy shouldn't be on the list of things you will settle for. At least I don't think so.

I can say that looking back, I lacked this enthusiastic response. I couldn't say I was genuinely happy with any guy. Happy yes, but happy with a bit of hesitation. 

I'm so glad to say that my response to the question of whether I am genuinely happy today is YES YES YES! And it feels so great to finally know what my sister was telling me to look for.  :)

I. have. a problem.

I have a problem of keeping my head out of relationships. This is one reason why I have been trying so incredibly hard to just live in the now and be present; to not forecast or over analyze. That is so freaking hard to do sometimes though! Ugh!

I've been doing so well lately on this. But some switch turned on the other day and now all hell has broken loose in my head. I’m not sure how to turn off my brain either now that it has gone into what I can only categorize as "crisis mode." It foresees the loss of complete control and it is doing all it can to not allow that to happen. And what is really dumb is that I see this happening and don't want it to happen {right?} but feel at a loss as to how to stop it or control it.

Yes, this duality in me is really obnoxious and disconcerting. I really thought I had control of it but clearly I don’t because I AM FREAKING OUT!!! {inside that is –on the outside I’m calm and collected}.

I need help. I need tips and suggestions. Oh and "just stop doing it" isn’t working. You gotta come up with something better. After all, my brain has launched a full blown assault on my emotions. It's heard all the stuff before and I think I need new material to launch my own surprise attack ;)

Cheese Ball

I like to consider myself as a fairly level headed person. I am a working professional and because work takes up most of my days, I try to come across as professional. However {and let me add that in my case it is a big however}, I have a really nerdy, cheesy, call it what you will, side. A side that is a bit contrary to the day to day side I present to the world.

I have an admittedly odd sense of humor, I tend to bust out in {uncoordinated} dance or song in stores, my house, and especially in the car (car dancing is an experience I tend to share mostly with my youngest sister), I am not the most coordinated and I am what many in my family call, a dork. Guilty.

I would like to say I’m admittedly a dork and don’t care who knows, but that is wholly untrue. In the past I have held back this side of me because I didn’t think a guy would find me as appealing if he knew what a huge nerd/dork/cheese ball/whatever, I really am. I can honestly say that maybe only 1 serious boyfriend in the past has seen this side of me. Maybe. {Yes, that is a horrible fact but one I am facing head on today}. And I should add, look where it has gotten me.

I don’t think I am alone in that I hold back the seemingly less glamorous sides of myself. But how strong can the relationship possibly be if I am not being true to my dorky/cheesy self? And whose to say those "less glamorous" sides of myself aren't the ones that he thinks are the best and cutest parts of me. I think it would be amazing, and a bit ground breaking in my case, to find someone who helps me relax from the start. A guy with whom I can feel so at ease that I am not only not afraid to show this side of me, but with whom I want to show it to and share it with.

I’m truly looking forward to that day when I can find that Mr. Future Someone who not only helps me break out of my shell, but loves me for me –all the dorky/cheesy parts included.

Finding Balance

This morning I started thinking about this blog. I don't want it to turn into a love fest blog about my current very happy relationship. There is a lot I still think about and maybe need to work through via this medium. So I'm going to keep it up, with hopefully only a little cheesiness intertwined into the posts.

A couple of months ago I wrote this note to myself: "Find Balance". I found it the other day and honestly cannot remember what prompted the note, but after thinking about it, I think it is great advice to myself. Who doesn't need a little more balance after all?

As a single girl I have had to find self worth and value in being single and in being alone. That isn't always easy, especially since I belong to a church that emphasizes family so much. But that comfort level with ones self is important, no matter what stage of life we find ourselves at. Being totally at ease with living life, such as preparing a dinner by myself and just enjoying the silence that 'singlehood' brings, is important in my  mind.

But with everything, there is a necessary level of balance involved. Here I am. I have my own place, I have my things, I know who made the mess, who is responsible, where I can find total quiet if I want to... I have my routine and I am actually happy with it and find comfort in the life I have established.

I think ultimately the note to myself to find balance just means that I have to remember that in all things there is a little give and take. I have to be open to allowing someone to intrude on my 'routine' and into my solace. I'm comfortable with being single. Now I have to make sure I can allow myself to be comfortable being with someone else. After all, just me is fine, but me with someone else...well that could be amazing! Right?

Willingness to grow

It’s just a guess {but a reasonable one I think}, but a hallmark of a really great relationship is manifest in each person’s willingness to grow during the relationship.

A few weeks ago, a guy I know who has been married for about 7 years told me that he heard that every person undergoes some major personal growth and development approximately every 7 years. This is just part of life (hence the well-known ‘7-year itch’). He said that at first he was resistant to the changes since it meant he would be different from the person his wife fell in love with and vice versa, that she would also be different. But then he said something profound {at least to me}… He said that he realized that this growth that happens gives him the opportunity to fall in love with his wife again for who she is today. How cool is that?

I have been in a few really long term relationships. Some of them I came out a better person, some of them I have resisted the change and the implications I thought those changes meant and would bring to the relationship. Unfortunately I think I denied myself, and the guy, the chance to grow together and see how we weathered that growth together.

Inevitably relationships change. Right now I am in the “oh-so-giddy and willing to stay up unreasonably late for a girl my age” phase. I know that soon we will settle into a routine and still be excited to see each other and to learn new things about each other, but it naturally and inevitably becomes a different phase in the relationship. How awesome would it be to take each phase and the changes that come with that phase and learn to fall in love with your spouse or boyfriend, or girlfriend again?

So my Mr. Future Someone {and no, I am not inserting a specific name here because I just don’t know yet…}, be willing to change with me, and to grow with me, and to find new and exciting ways to fall in love with each other time and time again.

And then there was one...

The past couple of months have been a blast. With that pesky Neptune departing my zodiac sign it appears that I am now able to have more success in my dating and romantic life. As I wrote in an earlier post, Phew!!! And boy has it been fun not having to deal with that big blue planet impeding my every love move.

I’ve been casually dating 3-4 guys this year and have enjoyed the opportunity to get to know each of them and to really find out what it is I am looking for and what … clicks … with me. So far so good, and I have found that of these guys, I am really abundantly clicking with one.

One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t force excitement. When I get a text or an email, or the occasional call from one guy, I get butterflies and as I sit at my desk or wherever I am, I get a cheesy grin that just won’t go away. The same doesn’t happen with the others. Don’t get me wrong. I get excited. But in a different way.

I look forward to his texts and his emails. I look forward to seeing him and talking to him and just being with him. Being single with him doesn’t feel lonely or empty at all {yes, I know that's the whole point of being with someone}. But I think had I gone with the other great options I had, I may have felt a bit empty in the relationship. It’s hard to know for sure, but I’m not going to risk this chance to see if the others are as fulfilling.

Wish me luck. He’s amazing. Truly.{sigh}

Manic.

Being single sometimes feels like I am a bit bipolar. The highs are amazing and the lows are, well, low. And the lows really suck. I think it is really interesting that being with or without a person in my life can influence my mood so drastically. And that even when I’m with someone I can still have these lows. Maybe I’m the only person it affects this way, but I doubt it {or at least I like to think I’m not the only one}.

These past few weeks have really been amazing. I’ve been dating some truly great guys and having the time of my life. I’m taking advantage of riding the highs that come with dating and trying with all my might to avoid the lows that sometimes come with dating…those lows that come with the all-too-common female problem of over analyzing every relationship.

Like an earlier post stated, I’m trying more to live in the present, which means I am also trying not to over think the dates or what the guys are thinking, or what I’m thinking for that matter. Relationships take time to develop {unless you are my brother and sister in law} and I am okay with taking things one day at a time and not predicting what next month or even next week holds in store for me. {Really, I am okay with the uncertainty…I just keep telling myself this and taking a deep breath}. So far so good. I have made necessary adjustments with certain guys and am taking things one day at a time.

I think figuring out how to accept that there is just no way to predict the future, or even to figure out what guys are thinking, is a key in stabilizing the manic side of dating and being single. Granted, I am writing this at a high point, but I think it is at these high points that we can shape the severity and trajectory of our inevitable {maybe not so inevitable} lows. 

Maybe I’m on to something.

We'll see.

foot. in. mouth.

I have a problem. Sometimes its a big problem. It mostly comes out in a work environment but with the increasing frequency I am spewing out words I later regret, I am worried it will trickle {or rather pour} into my personal and dating life. 

I had a big foot in mouth issue this morning with a colleague. Crap! I'm eating it right now and don't know how to quite make amends. I really hope this doesn't become a bigger and bigger problem where I am putting my foot {leg and arm} in my mouth with guys I am interested in.

{Sigh...}

Living in the present {as a biker chick}

For those of you who know me, you know that this past weekend I did something I never thought I would actually do. I went on a full blown motorcycle tour. Yep. Did it. Me. And it was a-freakin-mazing! I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Seriously.

A couple friends of mine invited me to join them for a 4-day biker adventure. I was hesitant at first since the whole “you can die” and “there is nothing between you and the road” thoughts kept running through my head, along with pictures of the results... But I decided, why not?!? And I’m so happy I did it.

I’m trying to live more in the present. One of my New Year resolutions for 2011 was to take more control of my life and to live in the now and not look back or too far forward. I seem to get stuck in the “what if” of life as far as past choices and then trying to predict the “what if’s” of the future. It gets really tiring and very difficult to live like that; and really it’s so utterly unproductive.What happened is gone and what is going to happen is really going to be far more shaped by my choices and actions today so why not just live life and enjoy it?

The weekend was great in so many ways. First, I did something entirely new and unexpected. We took scenic roads and traveled in a group of 3 motorcycles and I was geared up from head to toe (yep, even leather chaps ;) –which I learned really do keep you warm). I felt totally Bad-A. {I think I looked it too with my fake tat sleeve and spike bracelet.} 

Second, I was with people I knew a little but had never really spent a lot of time with them. Normally in those situations I am a bit reserved and try to make a really great impression. But in light of my goal, I decided to really make an effort just to be myself –including all my less glamorous and geeky traits. 

Third, I let myself have fun, real fun without holding back. 

I cannot remember a trip that I’ve had where I had so much fun and where I felt really bonded and connected with the people I was with. I lived in the present so much more than I normally allow myself to. I let it all hang out and you know what? I learned that I’m happier and more content with myself when I’m not trying so freaking hard all the time. And it turns out people understand our {my} flaws and our {my} quirks a lot more than we {I} give them credit for. 

Crazy how when we allow others to see us for who we really are, it turns out that we can be far more accepting of the quirkiness or "flaws" of others. Living in the present has turned out to be a fantastic goal that has reaped major benefits … and it’s only February! Can’t wait to see what is next :). 

All Smiles

All smiles. That is what I was the other day when a cute guy sent me a little something. It wasn’t huge or expensive or rare –it was a cookie. But he thought of me and that absolutely made my day. A co-worker walked in as I was texting to say thank you and she stopped and said, "now that's a big smile". Yeah, I was grinning.

Sometimes I get caught up in the wants of life and the expectations of big things, but in reality, it’s the simplest of gestures that bring the biggest smiles to my face sometimes. Just knowing he thought about me was enough. 

It’s a good reminder for my interactions with that Mr. Future Someone. And hopefully, that Mr. Future Someone will bring lots of smiles with simple gestures. It’s the small things that really may make the biggest difference, don’t you think?

{By the way, yes, it was a yummy cookie ;))

Valentines Day Remix

This is a strange day for us single people. It comes and goes and there is that little bit of angst that accompanies with the reminders of flowers, love, chocolates and romance. But this year I decided that was going to be a great day. After all, I have love in my life, even if it isn’t the romantic kind.

People have re-named this day “Single Awareness Day” in an effort to emphasize how lousy this day makes ‘us singles’ feel. But think about it. Yeah, singles don’t have a significant someone who is making them feel gloriously special today, but we have a lot of stuff {hopefully} going on in our lives. We have friends, an element of freedom married people don’t have {which, let’s be honest, is a really really great thing sometimes}, jobs, time and family.

My sister wrote on her blog “Valentines…Not just for lovers.” She’s married with fantastic kids but she gets that it is more than what is often hammered into us by the media, stores and even family and friends. It really isn’t just for lovers and I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better.

The Valentines day symbol is the heart. It’s a symbol to help us recognize the love we DO have in our lives. Instead of feeling blue today for what I don’t have, I am so grateful for all the love I do have in my life. I’m loved by family and friends. I firmly believe that the more open I am to feeling the love of those around me, the happier I will be and in turn will be more open to loving others and loving that hopeful future man in my life. My heart is tied to the hearts of so many others. How could this day not be amazing?

Quoting one of my favorite childhood movies “Don’t you just love, love?” (Savanna Smiles). Yes, as a matter of fact I do just love love.

Laughter

I’m a fan of laughing. Who isn’t, right? {Actually I know a couple attorneys who appear to have lost their sense of humor completely}.

I think I am not a-typical when I say that if a man is not so incredibly great looking when I first meet him, but he turns out to be funny and nice, he is suddenly that much better looking to me.

Honestly, I’m not a very funny person. Many of my siblings and a few of my in-laws are really the funny ones. Somehow I didn’t get the funny gene. {Perhaps that is why I am in my chosen profession –we are the brunt of jokes, not the jokers}. This is why it is absolutely necessary that I end up with someone who makes me laugh. Days are so much better when you know there is a good chuckle around the corner and even better when it is a cry and wet your pants sort of humor.{Yes, I have actually wet my pants laughing before -as an adult}.

So basically, Mr. Whoever you are, please be funny. I promise I’ll laugh enough to make you think you are the funniest man on the face of the earth. Promise.

Just "Friends"

I recently had to move a guy over into the “just friends” category. {I should note here that he had already put himself there but wasn’t acting like it –see Day Late post}. He begrudgingly acknowledged that it was the only place we could be since he wasn’t either 1) willing to break up with his girlfriend or 2) be emotionally prepared to be anything but friends even if he did break up. We enjoy hanging out so the only real next move for us was to become friends.

What has been interesting is that I actually really like being friends with this guy. He was having a hard night last night so I invited him over and we strategized about how to make his relationship better. It works out well because, hey, I’m a girl and I think like a girl and can tell him what a girl would possibly think about a given situation. And I get to see how guys think about certain things. It’s a win-win in my book.

{Now I know you are thinking that this has the potential to turn into a bad situation with feelings developing on either side that may not be reciprocated…but for now why think about that?}

I don’t think every guy should be in the “friend” category –that would be dumb. But having a guy friend is really refreshing. I don’t feel the need to impress him and can just be myself. Coincidentally he is getting to know me better than a lot of other guys I am interested in. I think every single girl needs a good guy friend.

four dates. four guys. one week.

On New Year’s Eve this year I read my 2011 love & romance horoscope. One thing it told me was that for years now Neptune has been invading my sign and impeding my ability to find love. Phew! I was not to blame in any way for my lack of finding marriage these 12+ years since my mission. Pesky Neptune was clearly the culprit of all my love woes and he is finally movin’ on out…

{It's fitting that Neptune was impeding my love life. After all, it is known as the ice giant and it has a fragmented ring system. Anything with a giant icy heart that despises rings is bound to disrupt love.}

I had high hopes in January for love finally being successful for me ;). But it was a slow month at best for dating. Turns out that it took about a month for Neptune to make his full escape. Then voila! Just like that, February entered with a bang. Four dates, four guys, one week. That is a record for me. Two were second or third dates to boot. I’m just excited to know that guys are interested enough in me to go on a second date. Hooray for pesky Neptune’s exit!!!

So do I believe in horoscopes? Not so much, but I will embrace the exit of Neptune whole heartedly if it continues to reap the potential benefits in the love department… maybe I actually like Neptune now.

{YELL}

Dear reader, you better close you ears because I need to yell...

Mr. Future Man...

Where the heck are you???

That's all. I just need to know.

Sick.

Today's post is actually an easy one. I'm sick. Again. I cannot remember a time in my life when I was sick so often as I have been over the past 6 months. It's annoying. 

I'll make this short and sweet. Mr. Future Man, please, please, please, be willing to take care of me when I'm sick. Buy me orange juice, rub my tense shoulders, get me some Vicks vapor rub even though it probably won't help with the raging sinus infection, and just be there for me. Oh and cuddle me while watching a sappy chick flick. That's all I need. All I want right now. 

Surprisingly, this is a hard one for guys I think. At least for the guys I have dated in the past.

Cheerleader

While thinking about what I want from my future Mr. Someone, my mind went to my married siblings. Now I know they don’t have perfect relationships, but they are pretty darn close to perfection in my mind. One thing that I believe really helps the success rate of their marriages is that they are equally each other’s biggest fan and biggest cheerleader. That’s what I want. What I think I actually really need.

Particularly, I want a guy who makes me feel amazing and capable of anything. {I have some security and self-esteem issues dating back from who knows when, but they still occasionally rear their ugly heads in my subconscious}. For example, I am not one of those people who wakes up in the morning looking like I haven’t been assaulted by my pillow and blankets. Lines crease my face, my hair takes on an other-worldly quality (and not in the ethereal other-worldly way), and I look paler and pastier than my pasty day-time self. It isn’t pretty.

I once went on a vacation with friends and there was a guy there and I wanted him so badly to notice me –in a good way {from the pleading in my head on that ‘so badly’ statement, you know it was early college years}. We all crammed into a hotel room and the first morning I woke up and ran into him as he was coming out of the bathroom. He said, no joke, “Whoa. Scary.” CRUSHED! I was absolutely crushed.

What a cheerleader and fan does is lift up and motivate and give courage to keep going. A cheerleader picks you up and tells you you are fantastic, even when you are down by 40 points. He sees past the creased face and crazy morning hair and tells you you're beautiful and worth it.

That’s what my siblings and their spouses seem to do for one another. It is what I am SO looking forward to having one day. And I’m definitely looking forward to being someone’s cheerleader again… I can’t do a high kick, but I can sure do some mad spirit fingers and pump my arms in the air!

Day late {and a dollar short}

The title seems to sum up a few events in my personal life lately. It's as if the universe is trying to tell me to pick up the pace a little and quit goofing off or I might keep missing opportunities.

How is the universe telling me this? For one, I have had the same theme in my dreams each night for 2 weeks! {yes, I admit my subconscious controls this and not the universe, but my subconscious dream self is so out there sometimes that it must be more than just me; I'm just not that creative}. 

What is this dream theme? It is that I should have married my ex-boyfriend who passed away last summer. In each dream he is either alive or I'm talking to him after he has gone and each time he tells me that I should have married him, or someone else tells me this. Then it ends with me feeling a sense of peace that I'll get to be with him one day. I wake up and think "What the Crap!?!" Sense of peace my @$$! How ridiculous would it be if that were reality and I had to wait decade upon decade to be with him? Still, there has to be something to the recurring dream theme. Doesn't there?

Second example of the universe playing the "too late Kara" theme. I had the sixth guy -count it -6th guy -tell me how great I am, how he has such a great time with me, but that he has decided to try and go exclusive with another girl. So sorry. Huh? Apparently I am the positive catalyst for many guys in moving towards marriage -just not with me. What the what? I love it how the guy will tell me this and then want to just chitchat about nothing. Please. Tell me the news and then leave my presence or hang up the phone because I need to cry then rant then cry again then get over it. {that whole cry rant cry thing takes very little time, but is a necessary part of my feeling sorry for myself moment}.

Apparently if I had met these guys just a couple of weeks sooner maybe I'd be the girl they wanted to move towards exclusivity with. I'll never know. What I do know is that I need a new theme in my life.

Sounds like a Monday post to me ...